Category Archives: poetry

My dearest love, please don’t let your fear guide your choices.

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Fear, we let it lead
let it guide, let it take our peace of mind.

When will we,
recognize
making our choices
based in our suffering,
is taking our hearts, and letting them die.
This pain endured has got to end,

when will our lives be whole again


could it be part of the master plan

to be alone,here, at the bottom of the fall.

The terror wells within me,
all but an ounce of hope is lost
and our fantasy of being together, becomes my all consuming thought.

Don’t let the fear take over,
don’t let the fear take hold
light the lamp of hope in your heart,
And never let it go.
Open up your eyes, see the path unfold.
Welcome in our love
let peace manifest in your soul.

Aba, ma chahanchhu mero English lyrics utha garna lae Nepali.

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jãã icchaa, tyãã upaae: Where there is a will there is a way. 

Mero upaae, hamro gaana gana. (My plan, our song includes: My plan includes our song) Tara, malai kehi tapaiiko guhaar chahincha. (But I need your help.)  Ke tapaen male sahayog garnu huncchha? (Will you all help me?)

Malai usle gaaunu hamro gaana Nepalima, ma guhaar aghi utha garnchhu. For me to sing him our song in, I need to translate the lyrics first.

Keep in mind these are incredibly personal lyrics, written and sung only for my Shiva, but to do this right, I want to sing them in Nepali. This isn’t exactly how the song goes, but its a better less artistic form. I’ll attempt my own translations where possible. Here it goes:

Why would we put a limit on infinity?
Kina (why) hami(we) anta(limit) lai(for?) infinity?

Why put a range on possibility?
Kina chahanchhu simaa lai sambhaabanaa?
Why want to limit on possibility?

I don’t get it, why would we?
Ma aundaina ( I don’t know) kina hami garchhau (why we would do?)
What is the reason to bound our chemistry?
Hijo ke kaaran(what is the reason) barnu(to fence) hamro(our) chemistry?
Why would be bind our affinity?
Kina hamilai gaara hamro affinity?

Cannot put a range on our love eternally
When will you recognize
we’ve hit the nth degree. (being a play on math equations using n as a variable…have ZERO idea how to include a reference like that in Nepali, but if that part stays english, its alright)
Just when falling into despair
we go walking, no, dancing on air
With defenses waning, but not giving a care.

This feels like approaching infinity
why not give in to this feeling
We have to admit
that its good to be.

I know you are worried my hopes can’t be met
And I know I don’t have you convinced
Abandoning fears over an outcome is best
Let’s just appreciate being blessed.
Let our hearts be open and not be repressed.

This looks like blinding infinity,
why would we want to put restraint on this imagery
let’s both admit, there is more to see.

I know all day you’re busy daydreaming.
So am I.
And symbiotically, we are designing our reality.
Who incepted this love
you or me?

Because I Can’t Say

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Such a pathetic mess I am, to sit here crying for what I do not have.
Who I am to find this such a reasonable reason to cry?

Get up, move on, get over that man, he never deserved the devotion anyway.
All the logic doesn’t seem to negate, the feelings of pain that well up within me.
And if he knew, he’d just say that it isn’t real and that its okay, I’ll feel better about it someday.

Everyone can say the same, that its just a short untimely phase
of life that soon I’ll pass through unscathed.
But all I know is in this moment, I’m desperate for some faith.
That I moved to follow, move to be together
that I left my world behind in search of another
that I really do believe that the right choice was made
only to be deserted at this stage.

And even though its wrong, to wish ill on someone else, I hope he’s suffering in this moment in the way my heart is sinking.
I hope he’s crying too and realizing that his actions aren’t without their wrongs. And when my daughter wakes up in the morning and asks if we can see him again, I hope he’s hearing her words in his head knowing that I can understand, I can justify, I can comprehend why we’ve been denied.
But she only knows the man she loves and cares for, the man she looked up to and called daddy, must be hiding in a place so we can find.

How do I tell her that its not hide and seek, that he isn’t calling tonight, that we won’t be sharing dinner, or reading her bedtime stories together. That now its just her and I because the man we both loved is gone. How do I tell her that because she’s not his blood he doesn’t want her? That because she wasn’t born to him, he’ll never love her?

How do I look her in the eyes knowing full well that she wants to hear me say, “we are going to drive and see him, he’s coming home tonight, we need to get dinner ready and clean up because he’s coming home.” In her whole life, he’s the most she had for a father to love her and now he’s gone.

I can hold it together just long enough for her to say, “Mommy, I KNOW that today he’s coming home.” And then I sit here crying and feeling sorry for our life, feeling sad that I believed that finally we were blessed, that we’d be a family, and know how to be happy. Now I sit here crying because I know that all we’d believed in was a lie.

Aside

You who sits there in the window with tears on her cheeks.
Why do you always stay up there, why won’t you ever leave?
Why is your face in the window, looking out constantly?
Don’t you ever get tired of waiting for your love to finally see?

He isn’t ever coming.
And even if he did.
He wouldn’t bother looking up.
You’d remain a dream within his head.

He’s looking at his own level.
He’s walking by your home.
He never thought you’d be above him.
He doesn’t even know.

That his angel is weeping because he never walks by her window.
He never takes the street she lives on. And he’ll never go,
by  the place he knows she lives, because he doesn’t want to see her.

He can’t bear the pain of her tears or cries.
He doesn’t want to hear her sighs.
He ignores her heartfelt songs,
his own feelings, he denies.

And she’ll suffer all the heart ache
because her loyalty remains,
she’ll stay forever lonely
because she doesn’t want to change.

They’ll never be together, that is the fates design.
Each one believing blinding that this life is not their life.
They don’t have faith enough, to hold on to what is theirs.
They both sit at home, wallowing in their tears.
They refuse to acknowledge that they both share the fears.

I can only pray that the Universe will see,
that they both deserve to be happy
and in each other’s arms they should be.
That if only once, he’d be brave enough to walk down her street.
And if she’d be bold enough to leave the safe confines in which she sleeps.
If for once chance would bring them together and they could stop feeling defeat.

If they could hold each other, love each other, and say honestly to one another
“It’s you, I’ll always keep.”

Window Watching